4 Things Emotionally Intelligent People Don’t Do

Most of us think that Emotional intelligence is a skill in which one can build and train with practice. It is true, but we also should know that improving emotional intelligence often is about what you do less of, not more of.

Most people already possess a high degree of emotional intelligence and a few of us are held back from using our innate emotional intelligence by a collection of bad habits that get in the way. As far as I have observed that we

• Blame others for our problems

• Trap ourselves in cycles of anxiety and stress

• Self-sabotage as soon as we start to make progress.

And if you are willing to improve your emotional intelligence, you have below a few habits that you need to work on.

1. Criticizing others

Criticizing others is an unconscious defense mechanism to alleviate our insecurities.

We're all critical sometimes. And it's not certainly a bad thing- to think attentively and critically about the world around us is an essential skill. It helps us navigate the world and our relationships objectively. But too much criticism can lead to the opposite of objectivity. It can make us narrow-minded and blind, especially to ourselves.

One of the reasons it's so easy to slip into habitually criticizing others is that it makes us feel good. When you point out to yourself that someone is dumb, you are also implying that you are smart, and that feels good.

Helpful criticism is about making the world better and the unhelpful ones are about making yourself feel better. Being critical might temporarily make us feel good about ourselves temporarily, but will make you feel the worst in the long run.

Understand that criticism of others is a misspending of time and energy because its all time and energy that's not getting infused in improving yourself and the world around you.

“Criticism of others is a form of self-commendation. We think we make the picture hang straight on our wall by telling our neighbors that all his pictures are crooked.”

― Fulton J. Sheen

2. Worrying About the Future

Worrying about the future means living in refutation about the fundamentally uncertain nature of life. As human beings, we crave order and certainty. And for good reason, our ancestors who were better at making their lives less uncertain probably survived longer than those who didn't. We're biologically motivated to reduce uncertainty. But there is a big difference between taking reasonable steps to reduce the uncertainty and being so terrified by it that we delude ourselves into believing we can eliminate it. Well, this is what chronic worries do.

You should understand that just because you are thinking about a problem doesn't mean you are thinking about it productively. And also, just because you are planning, running through countless hypothetical future scenarios, doesn't mean you are any better equipped to handle them. Often, you are just making yourself "feel" more prepared.

Worry gives you the illusion of certainty. But in the end, all it does is break you.

Emotionally intelligent people understand that life is intrinsically uncertain, and it is better to face up to this reality clear eyes than to live in refutation about it. When you stop holding on the world act the way you want it to tomorrow, it becomes far easier to work with the world you've got today.

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”

― Corrie Ten Boom

3. Ruminating on the Past

Ruminating on past mistakes is a misguided attempt at control. Just like we humans set one's heart on order and certainty, we also seek control. We’re preoccupied with the idea that, with enough effort and perseverance, we can do or attain anything. But ruminating about the past will only give you the "illusion" of control, however fleeting and temporary.

When you have done something bad or made a mistake in the past, you naturally feel guilt and regret. And replaying your past mistakes gives you the feeling of control, which helps you divert from the feeling of helplessness, which is what we are when it comes to past mistakes.

Emotionally intelligent people not only understand but also accept that helplessness and powerlessness are inevitable. You must give up the choice to endlessly go over it, no matter how much it distracts you from your real pain, the pain of helplessness. Don't give up control over your future by professing you can reign the past.

“To think too much is a disease.”

― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

4. Maintaining Unrealistic Expectations

Unrealistic expectations are a fallacious venture. to control other people. You should not have the idea for what another person in your life should be or do or accomplish and your expectation is your way of trying to make it happen.

Simply put, it means you dwell crafting stories in your head about what other people should do. And when they certainly fail to live up to those standards, you involuntarily compare reality to those expectations and feel infuriated and disappointed. And to respond to this, you create even stronger and more elaborate expectations, because you feel good and in control. This means you create a constant vicious cycle of sky-high hopes and grave disappointments and frustrations.

Stop creating stories about what you want for other people, instead, just be present for the person they are.

• Validate their current struggles instead of daydreaming about their future successes.

• Set real boundaries on their behavior instead of wishing for perfection.

• Meet them where they are instead of meeting them where you want them to be.

You can hang on to your hopes but let go of your expectations.

“He was swimming in a sea of other people’s expectations. Men had drowned in seas like that.”

― Robert Jordan

All you need to know:

If you want to enhance your emotional intelligence skills, endeavor to identify and eliminate the habits that are interfering with your natural emotional intelligence in the first place.

Stop criticizing others.

Stop worrying about the future.

Stop ruminating on the past.

Stop expecting too much of others.